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28th Week Update

How time flies - it's been more than a month since I last updated. I'm halfway through my 28th week now, fast approaching the 29th week. I've put on about 17 damned kilos so far and I hate how round I look right now. I look and feel outright disgusting, to put it simply. It's hard to explain to the husband because he insists I'm fine when I know I'm not. There are billions of pregnant women out there and most of them are not even half my size. Quitting smoking as soon as I knew I was pregnant caused this, I'm pretty sure, and I have no idea how I'm gonna lose this weight after the baby is born.

As a result, I am hesitant to go out and meet people these days, apart from the friends whom I know won't judge me. Yet there are like a million gatherings to attend and I don't know how to tell the husband that I don't wish to go for any of them. I managed to skip all of the weddings so far, but then there are birthday celebrations, house warmings, a…
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Pregnancy & Smoking

For the past 12 years, I had been a habitual smoker. I started off with one pack lasting me a week or sometimes more. The addiction escalated over the years and soon it became one pack to last two days; at times that wasn't even enough. I loved my mornings with cigarettes and coffee. It was the best combination for me - I could sit outside enjoying my smoke, stick after stick, for hours on end. I think this kinda took a toll on my health because I'd find myself having difficulties breathing sometimes. But it didn't matter that much to me, because smoking had become such a big part of my life. I smoked when I was enjoying and having fun, I smoked when I was stressed, I smoked when I was bored, I smoked when I was sad, I smoked when I was busy. There was every occasion to smoke everyday.

And then I got pregnant.

In a way, we planned for the baby. We wanted and were eager to start a family of our own. So we were elated when we found out I was pregnant.

The first three months …

Week 22: Aches, Pains & Discomfort

We are at week 22 - more than halfway through. In less than 20 weeks (hopefully), baby Dino will be out and I honestly have no idea what to expect at all.

I've been feeling the aches a lot more these days, especially in the back. I can no longer stand for as long as before, and I feel it most when I'm doing the dishes. It is so painful to the extent I feel like I may collapse anytime, yet I don't want to voice out because I don't want the husband to be doing everything. He is tired enough as it is, physically, and I want to try to help him lighten his load. But I feel so useless because the lethargy and aches really get to me so bad that sometimes (or most of the time, rather) I just wanna lay in bed and not move.

Apart from that, the chest tightness and difficulty in breathing has been gotten A LOT worse. These days I feel so breathless and it gets increasingly uncomfortable especially after a meal, be it heavy or not. I know that it is because as my tummy grows bigge…

Fight Day

Just the other day the husband and I had a huge fight. Ironically it was right after I posted my last update, where I reminded myself of my love for him and how I should not ever hurt him.

He was offended that I seemed to look down on his family and find them low class, or uncultured. Apparently I had said those exact words some time back and he did not take offense then, instead choosing to keep silent. I guess he finally snapped when we brought up the topic of the upcoming weekends again, and when I openly displayed my reluctance to return to the in-laws' place. I tried to explain to him that I did not mean that, and that if I did say it explicitly, it might have come out the wrong way. But it was futile because he insisted that I did mean what I say, that in summary I looked down on his family for being low class. It affected me a lot because it implied that I did not respect his parents, which was not true. Not ever. I believe I'd also mentioned in this blog numerous times…

Pregnancy Week 20 - Best Week Ever

Just stepped into the 20th week of my pregnancy, and this was by far the best week ever.

1) We stayed at my place through the weekend as it was more convenient for us to head to KKH for my detailed scan on Saturday morning, and also more convenient for me to meet a friend near my place on Sunday. We didn't go back to my in-laws' place, and just that thought itself was enough to leave me feeling pretty great all through the weekend.

2) We got to see our little Dino on Saturday morning during the FA scan. We expected a long queue/waiting time, but much to our delight, there was no queue at all - there were only about 3-4 mummies waiting for their scan. We got everything done and over with in an hour - and this includes the time it took for me to take a break and walk around halfway through the scan because our baby just didn't wanna cooperate with the sonographer :')

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Over the weekend I casually brought up the topic of the living arrangements of my friend and her bf. T…

Approaching Weekends

That awful feeling of looking forward to yet dreading the weekends.

Wonder if anyone knows just how it feels. Reminding myself daily that this is adulthood, and it is all a test of my patience. Yet at the same time feeling my patience wearing thin, trapped between not wanting to put the husband in a difficult position but yearning to listen to my heart at the same time. Oftentimes we are advised to "follow your heart", but it is never as easy as it seems.

I do not want to return there.
I do not want to return to a place I cannot call home...

18 Weeks Pregnant: Emotional Struggles

It's been a tough journey thus far. You'd think that after settling the wedding, we'd have one load off our shoulders, but sadly that is not the case. Problems seem to surface one after another, and I'm starting to feel that maybe I am not cut out to be a wife, or a mother. Maybe I would have been better off spending the rest of my life gallivanting, engaging in cheap thrills, up till the day I pass on. I am tired, way too tired, and I'm struggling so hard to find that ounce of strength within me to hold out till the end.

The biggest problem we're facing right now is our plans after the birth of baby Dino. We had initially agreed on letting my MIL look after the baby, which was the reason why we wanted to move to somewhere near them, but then now that comes with an extra price tag since we are not able to purchase our own flat at the moment. Should we want our MIL to help take care of the baby, we'll have to move in with them. It is the only solution. My mo…